My reflection

Once upon a time I knew just how to be me. No returns, no excuses, no poses.

Once upon a time I knew how to be , how to flow, how to exist. Once upon a time I knew how to live.

For some reason, that so brazen confidence played a trick on me. I became vulnerable, sensitive. Even sometimes I felt ashamed of myself, though. Sometimes I still feel that way.

Since then, I didn't know how to be me again. I was close, I almost made it a couple of times. But the truth is that I couldn't find me anymore. I lost a part of me and that's why I miss myself. I can't  find me, neither I can reinvent myself. Sometimes I just smiled and  repeat to my self that I have to be patient, I have to be nice. I have to be happy, somehow. And it is at that moment that I feel to be close to who ever I used to be, but the feeling of closeness lasts as long as a breeze, and everything becomes dark again.

Anyway, I learned to live this way. I got used to this costume, I'm sleepy under the same mask. I think a lot, make up stories in my mind and try to find them a happy ending, but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary that everything has an end. Is not the universe infinite? Is it?

Then I laugh, in a mocking way; I'm sarcastic and defeated. I remember that it is time to return to reality and stop fantasizing with words. I need to live and let me live. Forgive me for not being who I want to be and for not accepting me as I am. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can't.

Being me didn't help me to be happy. In the end, it's easier to cry behind a mask than to smile in front of a mirror. Time passes less inquisitor when one doesn't lower the guard. The fears get hide, the sorrows stagnate. The joy, often ephemeral, is now starring in my life. Until the curtain's voice that never shuts up and that is latent in me falls again, to remind me how miserable I can be. It is good for health to ignore it, at times. Close your eyes and hold your nose. At least for a while, the glass half full will be easier to load.