My happy ending

And they lived happily ever after. That's the memory I have as moral of a fable of all the stories of my childhood.

If I was a good girl during the year, "Santa Claus" would reward me and bring me the gift I deserved.

Then, when I grow up I could be whatever I wanted. You always have to do what you really like.

but one day I grew up and took a heavy blow against the wall of my prejudices and beliefs. I felt bad, I felt alone. I didn't have the tools to conquer the obstacles in front of me. I had to start studying from scratch.

However, once I felt in love, I hardly tried to convince myself that this relationship was my happy ending and I endured things that shouldn't have supported, ever. I did things I shouldn't have done and I put up with things I shouldn't have and did things that I shouldn't have. My happy ending was agonising and dying: the loneliness of find myself and redo bits of me, again.

It took time, tears, pain, many new errors. But I found myself again, with new skills and looking forward to try again, that innate sense of survival and overcoming that (almost) all of us have inside.

I fell in love, this time in a such different way, without questions, expectations or unfounded jealousy. There were no despotic requirements on the activities of the other. We were two people who chose us both mutually to share the life in a such sensational way. Everything seemed as it should and I believed that I found my happy ending.

But that ending was just starting and would last forever, or not, so this happy ending could be a new beginning, depending on what we both wanted. I was standing in front of a potential new beginning, but it didn't depend only on me. And that scared me a little. But here I am, living my happy ending every day; sometimes with tears, sometimes with anger, sometimes in silence. Because happiness, like everything else, has its ups and downs. And they pass. Like life itself.

Also, as a child I tried so hard to be exceedingly good. I developed a "super-ego" quite secretive and totalitarian. No colors, everything was black or white. Each error was frustrating to no end. No one seemed to notice my effort to be better. Santa never brought me what I asked for, but I never questioned him. I must have done something wrong. The guilt was an ornate lead tuxedo that I had to wear every day.

I was focused on achieving my goals. The problem is that I didn't really know what I wanted for goals only what I thought I should have as goals to be a good girl and I didn't have a range of comprehensive enough to say for certain possibilities, that I was really "choosing" what I liked most. I think I was rather directed by my family to things related to art, law, social careers. And they tried to convince me I was really good for that, not for the effort I could spend. I was just good, really good, very good at it. And I believed it.

Nothing that I've done internalized any merit in me, because it was logical that I was going to get it, because I was good, and that's it. My achievements came effortlessly as a logical consequence of being me. And when I discovered I was wrong, it was like a head on collision into a wall that my bones haver never recovered from. This is the pain of regret. I was resentful, and in humidity days the pain overwhelms me enough.

I live happily ever after, though. I live as I can, I learn what I can and I try to fully exploit my strenghs.

Life is not fair, I'm what I do for myself and live my happy ending because I accept my partner's differences, not because he or I have them or not. We are perfectly meshed gears working together, but the day we no longer mesh is the day when I will have to find a new happy ending.

There are no recipes, no secret formulas. Love, patience, understanding. Empathy. Listening before speaking, thinking good of the other person first, always. Not being so hard on yourself or stay on past glories. The glories are ephemeral and you must continually move to grow, find new glories all the time. And let guilt aside. Take care of our mistakes. Modify them. And never, ever, stop moving.